Parents Are Skipping Grandparents’ Visits Until Guns Get Locked Up

A mother wrote to The Washington Post’s newest advice column with a confession that sounds small until the data catches up to it. She has stopped letting her toddler visit his grandparents because they will not put their guns in a safe. The column’s answer, published July 18, 2026, told her she is right to hold the line.

Her decision now lines up with a two-decade-old public health campaign, a wave of 2026 state storage laws, and federal mortality data that all point the same direction. Firearms are the leading cause of death for American children, and most of the kids who die that way are killed inside a home, sometimes their own, sometimes a relative’s.

A Toddler Learns to Walk, and the Visits Stop

The letter writer says she and her husband have a genuinely good relationship with his parents. They live a plane ride away, and before the couple had kids, the grandparents’ house was, in her words, “a wonderful gathering place.” That changed once her oldest son became mobile enough to reach for things he should not touch.

The column that answered her, Say More, is barely two weeks old. The Washington Post introduced the column on July 7, 2026, describing its writers as “ready to unknot your interpersonal complications.” In its first two weeks it has already handled a son who will not move out, a wife hiding weight loss medication from her husband, and a woman estranged from a dying sister. The gun safe letter landed in that same new inbox.

The verdict itself was short. Skipping the visits until there is a safe in the house is “the right call,” the column found, even though it does nothing to soften how much the estrangement hurts.

Guns Now Kill More American Kids Than Car Crashes or Cancer

The letter writer’s instinct is not paranoia. It matches a public health finding that has held steady for several years running.

The Johns Hopkins Center for Gun Violence Solutions found that firearms killed more children and teens, ages 1 to 17, than any other cause, including car crashes and cancer, for a third straight year running through 2022.

• 2,526 children and teens ages 1 to 17 died from guns in 2022, nearly seven a day, per Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health.
• Firearms have now outrun car crashes and cancer as the top killer of that age group for three consecutive years on record.
• Nearly 22,000 children and adolescents have died by firearm over the past decade, though the newest CDC figures show a dip from 2023 to 2024, according to a KFF analysis of youth firearm mortality.
• Gun violence kills roughly 130 Americans of every age each day, based on Everytown Research’s analysis of CDC mortality data.

That last figure covers everyone, not just children. But the youth numbers are what changed the shape of pediatric death in America. As recently as 2016, firearms ranked second behind traffic crashes for kids and teens. They have not ranked second since.

Why the Risk Follows Kids to a Relative’s House

The letter writer is not worried about a stranger’s house. She is worried about her son’s grandparents, which is exactly where federal researchers say the danger actually concentrates.

A CDC report tracking unintentional firearm deaths from 2003 to 2021 found that most of these deaths happen inside a home, with the gun usually belonging to the child, a parent, or another relative in that home. It is rarely a break in or a robbery. It is a gun somebody in the family already owned.

In 2021, about 30 million children lived in a home with at least one firearm. Of those, roughly 4.6 million lived somewhere the gun was stored loaded and unlocked, the same report found. Brady United’s own count from 2025 lands on almost the identical number, one in three homes with kids nationwide, which suggests the estimate has held fairly steady rather than drifting in either direction.

A Twenty-Six-Year-Old Campaign Built for This Exact Fight

Long before this particular letter reached an editor’s desk, a nonprofit had already built a script for it. The ASK program run by Brady United tells parents to ask “a playdate, caretaker, or relative’s home” whether an unlocked gun is somewhere their kid could reach it, before the visit ever happens.

The campaign, known as Asking Saves Kids, launched on the National Mall on Mother’s Day in 2000, in partnership with the American Academy of Pediatrics. It marked its 25th anniversary last year and has since worked with more than 400 grassroots groups nationwide. Brady’s own tally puts the reach at roughly 19 million households that now say they ask the question before a visit.

Oregon’s Multnomah County built an entire public safety notice around the same idea, aimed squarely at grandparents rather than just parents.

While some grandparents or parents might find it uncomfortable to talk about firearms, I guarantee you, it is easier to ask the question than to pick out your child’s tombstone.

The line came from Okamoto, quoted in the county’s public messaging promoting the ASK campaign. The same notice cited local figures showing that roughly 40 percent of Oregon households have a gun, and that 73 percent of children age 9 and younger already know where their parents keep it. More than a third of those kids admitted they had handled it.

Do Any 2026 Laws Force Grandparents to Buy a Safe?

No statute names grandparents specifically. But several states now make unsecured storage a fineable or criminal matter inside anyone’s own home if a minor could reach the gun there, which means a grandparent living in the wrong state already carries that legal duty, regardless of what a daughter-in-law decides about visits.

The Giffords Law Center counts ten states with the strongest version of this rule, one that penalizes any unsecured gun accessible to an unauthorized person, not just a case where a child was actually hurt. Illinois’ new rule, detailed on the Be SMART campaign’s Illinois storage page, took effect this January and covers cars as well as homes. There is still no federal storage mandate of any kind. A bill that would create one, the Secure Firearm Storage and Suicide Prevention Act, remains stuck in committee.

The Conversation Nobody Wants to Have Twice

None of this makes the actual phone call easier. Asking a parent, or worse, in-laws, whether they have locked up a gun invites a conversation most families would rather skip entirely.

Brady’s scripts try to normalize it by attaching the gun question to the same list as questions about allergies, pools, and supervision. Before a playdate, sleepover, or a grandparent’s house, the suggested line is direct: “Is there an unlocked gun where my child plays?” The same campaign extends the habit through adolescence, urging teens to ask it themselves before a first babysitting job, and again when a young adult first moves into shared housing.

• Before a playdate, sleepover, or a grandparent’s visit: ask about unlocked guns the same way you would ask about a backyard pool.
• Before a first babysitting job, Brady’s guidance has teens ask the question themselves rather than leaving it to a parent.
• Before a young adult moves into a shared house, the same question follows them into that new address.

Deborah King, a Seattle based etiquette expert, argues the discomfort is the wrong thing to protect against. “Some people are afraid to state what their needs are out of fear of being viewed as impolite,” she said. Elizabeth Bennett, who has spent more than two decades on injury prevention work at Seattle Children’s Hospital, recommends rehearsing the question with relatives who already own guns before ever having to ask it for real.

That does not change what the letter writer is actually living through. Her son’s grandparents are a flight away, the house sits empty of grandchildren, and the plane tickets stay unbought until a safe shows up in that hallway.

Frequently Asked Questions

What Counts as Secure Storage Under California and Illinois Law?

California requires a firearm safety device or safe listed on the state Department of Justice’s certified roster, while Illinois only requires a locked container that keeps the gun inaccessible to a minor, at-risk person, or prohibited individual, whether it sits in a closet or a glove compartment.

Does Texas Require Grandparents to Lock Up Their Guns?

Texas has no general safe storage mandate for adults living alone. It does hold an owner liable if a child gains access to a “readily dischargeable firearm” and someone is hurt, so a grandparent there faces exposure only after an incident, not before one.

How Many Homes With Kids in Washington State Have an Unlocked Gun?

More than a third of Washington households report owning a firearm, and only about 36 percent of those gun owning households practice full safe storage, meaning keeping the gun both locked and unloaded, according to reporting compiled by Seattle’s Child.

What Age Are Children Most at Risk of an Unintentional Shooting?

CDC data on unintentional firearm deaths from 2003 to 2021 found the largest share, 33 percent, among kids ages 11 to 15, followed by 29 percent among children ages 0 to 5, showing the risk starts well before a child is old enough to understand it.

How Do You Ask a Relative About Guns During a Family Crisis?

Brady’s guidance covers this scenario directly, suggesting a caregiver check in on a friend or relative going through a hard stretch by asking plainly how their gun is stored, and revisiting that storage plan entirely if an aging relative begins showing signs of memory loss.

Is There a Federal Law Requiring Safe Gun Storage?

No. There is no national safe storage requirement. Every rule described above comes from an individual state’s own statute, which is why the legal duty on a grandparent can change entirely depending on which side of a state line their house sits.

Disclaimer: This article is for general information only. Gun storage laws vary by state and change frequently, and any family weighing a legal or safety decision like this one should check current local statutes or speak with a licensed attorney rather than rely on this summary alone.